“Though the world will insist that the good life can be measured by what is achieved and accumulated, Jesus reminds me that my good is found in another’s – in my acts of giving and giving away.” – Jen Pollock Michel
Since I was a young girl I have always been goal oriented. I have always had a vision and taken action towards becoming whatever it was that I desired to become. As I recently transitioned out of the Marine Corps my plan was to become a full time athlete. My goal was to do anything and everything that it took to get to the end state. As I started making choices to align to that goal, I noticed a major shift in my happiness. I was spending every waking moment doing SOMETHING to get me to the CrossFit Games. I was grocery shopping, weighing and measuring my food, stretching, training, going to physical therapy, working with a gymnastics coach, traveling to other gyms across the Country, logging my training stats, reading, calculating my sleep and so on. I slowly started to realize that this was no longer the life I desired, I wanted the end state, but I didn’t want the lifestyle. My goal with CrossFit was no longer in line with my values. But I was hesitant to surrender.
For weeks I continued to make these choices, all while making myself miserable and starting to hate CrossFit. And for what? A goal that I made years ago and have held onto? I started to ask myself why? I was sacrificing my happiness for my pride. I was too proud to let go. To let go of something I set my mind to. I thought that deciding to let go of that goal might make me a loser and a quitter. As I have had more time to reflect and work with one of my coaches, I have discovered that it’s OK to let go and move to a place of uncertainty.
This lifestyle was one that the younger Taylor thrived in. A place that I needed to be in order to become the person that I am today. But the person that I am today desires more than a journey that revolves around myself. My heart desires to serve God, to serve my husband, to serve others, to travel, to read, to write, and to explore what God has in store for me and those around me.
I have experienced feelings of guilt and shame for letting go and I have struggled with my confidence. I have found myself wanting to fill my schedule with other things to keep me busy, but things that may not be the best for the long term. For once in my life I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know exactly where I want to go, so I will explore, grow and operate in uncertainty.
I’m in the same boat if you ever need someone to explore uncertainty with 😉